Why is it that my being sad has to be anyone’s “fault” why can’t it just be me being sad I just need to let my feelings win sometimes

I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad I’m so sad

I wish I could be dead I wish I can’t feel a thing so I won’t ever feel lonely and scared and sad ever again.

that’s all.

Surviving My Divorce Was More Difficult Than My Father’s Suicide

maybe i read so many stories about heartbreak and death so that i would be fully prepared when it happens to me but somehow it never ever feels the way it’s ‘supposed’ to feel.

Thought Catalog

Flickr, Leo HidalgoFlickr, Leo Hidalgo

It was not the loss suffered nor the grief felt. Without a doubt, the sudden and violent death of my father remains the greatest loss of my life, and the pain and grief I encountered during and after the event are still untouchable by any sadness I have experienced since. It is the death of that which still walks, breathes, lives and exists. It is grieving a person who stands in front of you, remains tangible, holdable, shakable, yet says, “I am not leaving you because I am leaving this plane, I am not leaving you because illness has come for me, I am not even leaving the state, I simply don’t want you anymore.”

The morning I learned that my father had committed suicide, I drove immediately to the hospital where the police had taken him. They had not even formally declared his time of death…

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I will start over as many times as I have to until I am sure that I am not settling for less than what I deserve, something I should have figured out long long ago.

all i do is make run-ons

what is it with my tendency to suspect everything? it’s like idk i’m completely alright and then i see something somewhere and i go a little crazy trying to figure out the impact it would have on my life and what i would have to do to survive.

in other news letting go is such a slow and tiring process i hate being patient i need to be over everything that has ever happened to me and accept that i make bad life choices and they lead to painful outcomes but everything turns out ok in the end anyway so why does it matter

I’ll only say goodbye

Sometime in 2013 I decided I’ll never care for anyone ever again with a few exceptions and even if she holds a place in my life right now she will have to go if she gives off any suspicious vibes at all. It upsets me terribly but I can’t risk getting treated like a doormat ever again.

So it’s goodbye now, and thanks for all the love and cookies. Be happy.

Silence

There will be many times when you are uncomfortable in my silence,
Unsure how I am feeling.

Because I do not wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see,
Does not mean that it beats any softer than yours.

Do not confuse the stillness of lips with the rhythm of apathy,
I am peaceful in our silence.

Do not confuse the sound of words rattling off eighty beats per minute,
with the music of an actual conversation.

Because I cannot commit the act of “small talk”,
Does not mean I do not have huge things to say.

i’m quite alright hiding today

i don’t intend to be melodramatic but sometimes it get a bit lonely in here. usually i embrace this loneliness (it’s how i grew up after all) but occasionally it gets to me and i get all these gross negative feelings that make me want to scream and cry into my pillow all night.

that’s when i start to wonder if there’s something inherently wrong with me, if, somehow, on some level, i deliberately repel people.

there must be a reason why i’ve never been a constant in anyone’s life.

what i do know is that i’ve given so much but it feels like my efforts have gone unnoticed simply because i do not fawn and fret over people. it’s one thing when strangers dismiss me without a thought (because i don’t make an effort to get acquainted in the first place) but it’s entirely another when people i love and care about succeed in making me feel invisible and insignificant.

no one’s ever cared enough to look for me when i disappear because i’ve never actually belonged anywhere anyway. that’s me, quietly slipping away from everything i’ve ever known.

well, it’s not like they noticed i was there in the first place.

at the end of the day, i always end up empty and alone.